you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
