my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
