If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i think my cat just said my name.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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