My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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