I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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