Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
