even my farts smell like vagina
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize