You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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