hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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