you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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