Michael Bay diarrhea
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
