I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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