kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
