You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
