I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
50% drunk capacity currently
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
