Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
