omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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