Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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