she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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