Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
