ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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