Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
