I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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