I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
