We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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