we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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