just survived the first fart of the relationship.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
