Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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