worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
