New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
