he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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