whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
