Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I have so many feelings about this burrito
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Randomize