Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize