hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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