My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
