I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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