Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
