why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
