whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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