South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
