I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
