Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
