Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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