dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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