Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
