I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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