Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize