I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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