and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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