Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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