I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
