All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
